This is our life: January 2012

Some might say…. He’s ONLY twelve!

Some might say….He’s already TWELVE?

How many years do I have left to “get it right”? Am I passed the half-way mark?

Why is it that we get less than two decade to prepare a child for a life of chances, opportunities, mistakes, challenges, tough decisions, joy and heartache?

As women, we’ve spent most of our lives preparing for just this… to be a mother, to love nurture, teach and prepare another to face the world. I only have one shot at it. Of course, it is easy for me to quickly catalog my failures, to remember those moments where I’ve clearly blown it, screamed when I didn’t want to, blown him off when I had something more “important” to do. I’ve even said hurtful words in return to those said to me by a child. Shame on me!

I would give anything in the world to go back in time, to re-do those failings and to instead , “kill him with kindness”. The bible says that in doing so, we heap hot coals on the heads of our enemies (the enemy I refer to is always about, seeking to wreak havoc in our lives)…. But what many don’t understand about that verse is that the hot coals used in the temple were a symbol of purification. Isaiah, after beholding the Lord’s throne room sees himself as he really is and cries out for the Lord to cover his lips with hot coal. He realizes at that moment, everything he’s done in word and deed that is…. UN holy. He cries out for purification.

If I could, I’d heap hot coals on Gavin’s head with words of kindness during those times that I’ve so clearly blown it. I’d bless him and teach him by example how to handle conflict in a godly way.

One harsh word, one moment of poor judgment can change a person for life by planting a seed of self doubt. Did I get it right? Will he remember all of the nights I stayed awake watching a fever with a cold cloth? Will he know about the things we’ve done without or sacrifices we’ve made to ensure that he go to Winter/ Summer camp? Will he ever know the endless hours I’ve spent on my knees bridging the gap for him until he was able to make that decision for himself? I don’t know.

Today I’m struck by the man I see beginning to emerge from my child’s body, subtle changes, maybe even unnoticeable to some. Not to me. Today I’m grateful for a few more years of trying to get it right. There is a reason that patience is a virtue. It’s not a natural behavior. It takes practice, like working a muscle and prayer is the required equipment. It means developing a higher perspective than eye level. It means dying to “self”, submitting to it no matter how difficult.

Gavin, today I pray for inner strength for you. I pray that your self confidence and self worth come from above and that you will know without a doubt that you are loved, physically, spiritually and eternally.

Did I get it right? Alone I should think not. I’m overwhelmingly grateful that I’m just part of a team. The responsibility doesn’t lie fully on me. I have an amazing husband and a powerful and faithful God and we are all on the same page. Yes I’ve blown it more than a few times. Clearly God can make an ass talk, but He also feeds the multitudes, sways kings and kingdoms, turns water into wine (can I get an amen?), and works all things for good for those who love Him.

Finally, today I’m grateful that He also causes the blind to see…Lord, I see.